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so I’ve figured it out

21 July 2011 // Rambling // 4 comments

I was leaving a comment on a blog and I had myself an epiphany. The reason I’ve stopped writing on here is directly linked to all the problems I’ve been having with conversations in general. My sharing on here is pretty much exactly how a phone conversation between us would go barring pictures and then any links I share you’d have to listen to my polluted version of the content. =D Fun! I figured that much was obvious. It’s a recording of what I want to share and say and laugh about together. (I know right… get to the point, Erin)

In Real Life (as I much as I hate typing that), I have been plagued with the same damn conversations, same questions, same suggestions and it has seriously affected how I talk with people now. I don’t want to fucking hear the same advice that many times. I don’t want to hear you say, “Oh that must be hard… ” about Andy not being here [and insert alternate problems here] because guess what? I fucking know that already.

I’ve stopped talking about certain things almost entirely. You get a one word answer, usually clipped.

I get that people are trying to help and don’t know what to say. I get that. I just don’t want to hear you flounder over pointless cliches that take us nowhere. You are my friend (theoretically) and I care but I just don’t have the patience to deal with this 24/7 along with everything else.

And then those times when I do open up and talk about things to, it’s like a concerned brick wall. Likely conditioned that way because of my previous treatment in earlier conversations. You get the pained, sympathetic look and empty “is there any way I can help?” which usually they can’t and they know it and they know me well enough that saying “It’ll all be alright” is kind of a waste of breath. So we pick another topic (my butterfly bush is blooming! in a pot! MAGIC) and move on.

So it’s like a segment of my brain is fermenting and getting infested with angry angry hornets because don’t you dare come near or shit will explode. And I don’t want it to be like that. I want help. I want things to work out. I want happy happy unicorns wearing rainbow overalls. But realistically that won’t happen because Noah forgot to put unicorns on the arc and I doubt they’d want to wear clothing in this weather anyhow.

And all of that boiling down to the fact that I’ve been neglecting my online friends because I just, I don’t know what to say. Or I don’t want to have to read the same things I’ve been hearing. I’ve been so conditioned to reject it that I only want to chatter about happy, funny things which I… well, I have a hard time seeing these days. I know they happen. This universe is one big cosmic jokefest, with the right set of humor. I just don’t have enough patience to enjoy it right now.

So most of my internetage has been reduced to reblogging fun things on my tumblr or the quick tweet. How much trouble can 140 characters cause, right? =)

So bless you, apropos blog posts by friends, for helping me figure out something that should have been obvious.


Institute of Medicine recommending no-cost womens services for insurance co’s

21 July 2011 // Heart Shaped Uterus Adventures, Political Rantings, References // 0 comments

I apologize to anyone who also follows my twitter/tumblr/facebook, but I have to share this everywhere: Medical Panel Recommends No-Cost Birth Control via NPR.

If their recommendations are accepted by Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, this will be a boon for women all over this nation as well as ALL taxpayers, regardless of genitalia. Easy access to wide varieties of contraception will do so much good for middle and lower-income families. The price for contraception pays for itself with interest compared to the cost of unintended pregnancies and their repercussions both monetary and societal.

Babies are beautiful miracles and they deserve to be loved. Preventative contraception will help people of all ages to make a life choice before things happen, likely reducing the number of abortions drastically.

Of course while the no-cost birth control is the headline (and my main focus), many of the other no cost services are also great preventative health measures for women:

The study — released a day early — actually calls for eight additional services for women to be added to the list of preventive care patients should be offered with no cost-sharing. The new services include annual “well-woman” visits; screening of pregnant women for gestational diabetes; screening for sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV; more support for breast-feeding mothers; and counseling and screening for possible domestic violence.

This is great news that I think will positively impact our society if implemented. Spread the word.


like graphite

18 July 2011 // Photos, Poetry // 1 comment

It’s kind of funny seeing how I influence my little ones. I mean, as their mother some of my traits are bound to rub off. Still it’s fun watching different things manifest.

observing tigers
nature’s curiosities
and humans at zoo

Cody is becoming a hipster. At this point he can’t really help it since I regulate his wardrobe and hairstyle. But it looks like at any moment he’ll pull out a mini Moleskin and jot down the beginnings of a poem. Maybe haiku when he gets older! Srsly. I think it’s mostly the hat. Also, he needs some sort of a satchel.

What? I’m enjoying the moment. Before long he’ll be Jas’s size and dressing him up will require finesse, swift maneuvers, and failing those… a well placed tackle. This is why I could never go into politics. After a minute of negotiation, it’s go time. You don’t mess with the matriarch.

Darling Jas has blossomed into a picture faerie much like her Mama. Here are two recent self portraits although I have a whole gaggle of photos she’s taken herself. Upon a whim, you can find her digging in my purse to snatch my little Canon and start snapping pictures. A lot of times when I upload my photos, I find whole batches of pictures I didn’t even know were taken. It’s very cool looking at shots through her eyes. Even if they tend to induce vertigo. She can unfocus autofocus. A skill.


of the moment

2 July 2011 // Photos, References, Videos // 2 comments

music: matchbox twenty’s mad season cd. on repeat

tv: true blood. summer means more andy bellefleur! and let’s not forget arlene and her satan baby!

book: harry potter and the deathly hallows. again. =) i reread that series twice a year it seems.

thoughts: completely disjointed. all the time. they may be tinged with irritation and animosity, depending on the weather and how long it’s been since I’ve been able to chat with Andy.

I still hate a lot of standard conversation that never bothered me before.
I think I’m going to paint tomorrow.

Really, it seems like every day at least twice in my head I’m screaming for someone to shut up. Angry depression. =)

I usually can’t write much when I’m feeling this way, but I want to have some writing to look back on in the future and shake my head at. So… future self: life is weird these days. And it sucks. Except when it doesn’t. I feel alone, even when I’m not. And usually when I’m not, I want to be alone. There are a small number of people I want around me but all of them are at least three hours away.

All the people around here I have to coddle and take care of, like bitty children.
[mental music when I deal with these people: Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham]

I already have kids and pets to take care of. Fucking handle yourselves. I’m not your mother.


petri dish

27 June 2011 // Poetry // 0 comments

why? why? why? why? why?
after long streams of answers
…. because i said so

great expectations
abandon them with people
then hope for the best

fudge, cupcakes, brownies
bacon wrapped steaks and pepsi
salsa con queso

estoy feliz en
mi mundo de ensueño
buenos recuerdos