I keep having the same reoccurring nightmare every few weeks. Although it’s one of those daydreamy nightmares in that it doesn’t pop into my brain only when I’m asleep. But random places. Like while strolling down the aisles of a grocery store or buckling in the kidlets. Sneaks up behind you, like a shadow during sunshine.

I miss those peaceful moments when I didn’t worry about these new things. Or I’d put it off as a what if worry… but these days it’s like I find triggers everywhere. In the media, in the check out line, even in talking with friends and relatives. Off hand comments, memory triggers. It makes me wig out.

At the past few family events I’ve been to, I’ve actually been mean to someone. In front of the entire group. You probably can already tell, but I try to assume the best in people and make light of things. I’m not really the confrontational type – but when I get riled up? Hold on to your socks. So it kind of shocked everyone to hear me say hateful things in that type of situation.

It embarrassed me later. But certain things are just a huge trigger and it’s like you knock the cog out of a smoothly running clock. Alice in Wonderland with everyone trying to fix the White Rabbit’s clock. It’d be better if they’d all left it alone! The fucking thing worked already. I mean, it ran late but whatever. Add butter to it trying to fix things and the damn springs go pinging off everywhere.

You should watch more disney movies.

I feel like I should warn people: Hey, kind of unstable here. Don’t talk about anything but at the same time, talk about everything so I can keep my brain occupied and not drift off in daydreams. Also, do me a solid and change Cody’s diaper because for real, I do it all the time. Love him. If you want to fucking help, here is a bit of manual labor that makes everyone feel better.

Pet peeve: “if there’s anything I can do….” [a few days pass] “Yeah, could you do (something that’d be helpful)”… “oh, I would but I’m kinda busy (avoiding helping you because… I only offered to help hoping that everyone else would do it. Isn’t so and so free? I mean, they should be able to help, right?)”… “No, which is why I called you. No, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I’ll just do it myself somehow. Bye!”

I mean, people have lives and I get that. Schedules and shit. I mean, I used to have that too. There’s no animosity towards that. But really. It’d be nice if you would come through once in a while.

And while I’m at it. I hate those damned metallic ribbon’s you see on everyone’s car. They make me so angry that I could scream and or vomit. It’s okay if you think I’m crazy. They’re for a good cause! Look, it makes it look like I give a damn about this issue when really I just have one because everyone else does. Haha. And this way I don’t have to contribute in some meaningful way.

But before this turns into some overly ranty marathon of hostility, let me stop. I don’t like being so fucking edgy. I just. I just can’t calm down. Even when I went to a yoga class, I thought about it during savasana. My eternally peaceful time, marred by my imagination and worries.

I just finished taking my history final about an hour ago and it feels like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been worrying about that class ever since I lost my job back at the end of March and the world tipped over. I’m not sure what my final grade will be since my professor still needs to grade my essay, but it’s good to know that I got 18/20 points on my final. I was kind of worried since it seems like all the major names in history are the same. At least, for Early Western Civilization. So I’d always get excited when an Otto or Xerxes would pop up. Names with personality! Those are the people I remember. The Louis’s, Henry’s, and Charles’s all blur with their namesakes into super-historical slush.

I also got my final grade for my Javascript/PHP intro class which is an awesome A. Let me tell you, when the world goes into a tale spin, it’s always helpful to dive into coding. That’s probably why I redesign my site so much! But really, I think I use a different section of my brain to handle the problems because I remember coming home from work as a mortgage processor feeling so drained and then I’d start trying to figure out a php program and feeling fresh. Not like a daisy, but it was like all the work I’d done already had been relieved by a nap or something. My brain was ready to roll. It was weird. Similarly, I’d work on my history homework during lunch breaks and coworkers would ask if my brain hurt yet. Nope! I mean, it was kind of swimmy through the different things I learned at work, but once I popped open my textbook it was like I was transported and thus able to start anew.

That was long.

Anyway.

Now my big challenges for the summer begin in earnest. I have to track down the handyman and set up a day to get the lathe plaster in my bathroom replaced with pretty painted and tiled drywall! Because I have no inclination to do that myself. Also, I plan on touching up the paint throughout the house and generally working the curb appeal angle so I can put this house on the market.

My tentative plans are to list it in February/March since winter is traditionally slow in the home buying market, but I still need to talk to my agent and iron out all that business. Hopefully someone will fall in love with it and I can give them the keys in May (or earlier, really). From there I plan on shifting the homestead down south with Andy after he gets back and finishing up my spring classes so I can get my degree. Granted, it’s only an associates degree. But I’ve been working on it since Fall of 2005 so when I get it? Big party. Fireworks. And this winter I’ll be a certified web designer, if all things go according to plan. Ha. Look at that. Taunting the universe with a plan.

Hopefully I’ll be getting some good karma from all the madness of the past few months. I guess we’ll see.

Also, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my Charlie’s Angel’s haircut or not but my verdict on it is this: good for life situations where you aren’t constantly looking down at things whether they are small children, dishes, toys on the floor, or whatever. It’s definitely fun but the hair in the face gets old kinda fast. And I think I’ll be turbaning my hair for this summer because while I was mowing my lawn I got so overheated and hair kept sticking to my forehead. Pet peeve: hair mingling with sweatness and getting in the eyeballs. No bueno.

And wearing headbands while getting sweaty isn’t good either. I’m thinking about knitting up a few garter stitch headbands for when I do yardwork so that I have an option to turbans. I dunno. The hair is a work in progress. But when it works, it WORKS and I feel awesome.

Anyway. It is time for me to get some relaxing, relaxing sleep. I changed my sheets today so they are all nice and freshy fresh.

NOTE TO SELF: fix header image. Some idiot mowed all the grass off the end. =D