Today I lived dangerously. Today I was on the edge. Today I drove to work without my glasses or contacts. I was complete, raw human using only what talents my body has been blessed with. My brain was pounding with a headache, my stomach roiling and thrashing around acid and junk, and my attitude was dark and dangerous.
We made it just fine of course, because I only really use my glasses to read things far away like license plates and street signs. But I know the route and am perfectly able to drive it without any aids if I need to. And this morning, I needed to.
It was such a crappy morning that I was tempted to shove Jasbaz back into her crib and retreat to the comfort of my covers in bed and just call it a day. Except that she had pooped on them and I’d have to change the sheets before I could do so. Who pooped, you ask? JASBAZ! WHILE I was putting on her diaper. And yet she managed to squeeze out a little bit right before I slid the diaper on her so it got on the back of the diaper, the sheets, in the diaper, and since she started wriggling, all over the sheets.
Not to mention the fact that I woke up with a blazing headache, which still hasn’t gone away but is now quietly simmering in the background, and still grumpy from the night before. Honestly, all the troubles of this morning stemmed from the night before. They always do.
It seems like any time I make an effort to be slightly sociable with Andy’s friends, I end up feeling more ostracized and outcast than before. I never used to have problems but now I do. And it’s all because I don’t think Jasbaz should have to be around cigarette smoke. Because of this, everyone overly censors themselves whenever I’m around. I’ve turned into the veritable grandma that everyone smiles to and waits until she leaves to have a good time.
Anyway, I was miserable last night. I probably drag the trouble to myself by not being hip and cool and not indulging in pot and alcohol but that is just not something I’m comfortable with doing. I mean, I’ll drink, sure, but only in the safety of my home when Jasbaz is asleep and even then, I don’t drink to get drunk as much as to enjoy the flavor and put people at ease.
I think the worst part was that the entire time I was there, I was taking care of Jasbaz while Andy played chess. He didn’t do a damn thing the entire time we were there. And when I decided to leave because she’d been bawling and causing a ruckus for fifteen minutes, he got upset that we were leaving before ten. Granted, I’d told him earlier that we could stay until ten, but I didn’t mean that I was going to listen to her blaze her vocal chords into oblivion so that he could play chess.
PLAY CHESS. I SWEAR. I AM SO SERIOUS. He was pissed because we left a half hour early and that cut into his chess game. And these people think I’m the nerd? BE SERIOUS. I mean, chess is very fun and all but it was never deemed cool ever in the history of my life. Only people who were smart played chess and yet here at our friends twenty-second birthday party, they were drinking and playing chess.
Maybe I’m the only one who thinks thats odd. But that’s okay with me. I mean, I think drinking and baking is fun so maybe I’m the odd one out here.
I just felt so alone. I even called one of my local friends who kind of gets me even though she’s one of those who doesn’t feel you can have a party without alcohol. But the voice mail clicked on. So I just sat there in my office last night, upset and with no one to talk to. No one to vent with. I even tried to set up the webcam last night so that I could talk to myself and replay it back later, deciding that I was a fool and needs to take her life into her own hands.
I feel like I talk about this problem all the time. It runs through my head a lot. I hate talking about it because whenever I go to push the ‘Publish’ button I have to decide whether I want people to read about this one problem of mine. Such an uncommon and odd problem, because everyone has that one friend that they can talk to. Everyone does. I always, always did. And now, while I have all my old friends phone numbers, it’s like my life has changed so much from everyone else’s that I’m not sure they’ll understand my woes.
Eh, anyway. To top it off, I now have acid reflux seeing as how my tormented tummy just won’t leave me alone. And I’m willing to bet it was from the food at the cook out last night. But maybe that’s just me being spiteful.
