I want to buy a bike. For Christmas I think. I mean, I want one for my birthday but we’ll be spending money attending a wedding in that same month where we have to drive to New York. So I’m going to have to wait.
But I do know that I want to attach a basket and some of those sparkly tassles to my handlebars.
Things that are going well: TWO JOBS! MONEY ON THE WAY! SPRING FLOWERS!
With a fabulous paycheck, I finally bought Florence + The Machine’s Ceremonial’s CD and I think things are turning around very positively.
Still have one MAJOR hurdle to figure out. But at least my depression is receding and we’re galloping in the right direction.
I am alive! And about to redesign this space. Yay!
Since I finally unearthed my memory card reader, I’ll be uploading pictures to my flickr soon and then be able to get my projects all finished. Finally! It burns me that I still haven’t coded the mehndi category to caotica.org. Leaving things up and half finished for two months? No bueno.
I decided to convert my domain from a splash page to an art collective blog situation. It’s kind of hard to define because it’s mostly a focus on my different hobbies which I’ve tried to organize here a few times but I feel a fresh start is necessary. La caotica was always more of a haven for thoughts, memories, and daydreams. It always felt kind of weird bringing up my various projects because sometimes the related posts would be spread across several months… Anyway.
Things have become more settled in my personal life although I am still muddling through my quarter life crisis. Yes, that’s right. I’ve draped a velvet cloak across the back of that elephant in the room. It’s funny how when I talk to people about it, they try to insist that “this will pass” and “it’s okay” when I know perfectly well that it is. I guess we have a different perspective. I see this as a moment in time where I should reevaluate my life or rather, evaluate it. I’ve never really had a big structured lifeplan for myself. Just various milestones that I’d like to hit. These are all still attainable but the pathways will be different than I originally imagined.
I feel this is a good thing. Makes for a better story and a more interesting life. I just find it strange how I have to reassure the people that I talk to about this. Kind of like bringing up depression. No one wants to talk about that. You get more lively discussion bringing up religion, abortion, and politics. Actually, that’s usually the topic I switch to after I get the deadpan sad pityface look as my conversational partner avoids a philosophical discussion on our life paths. That is what my quarter life crisis is about. Defining my life path and what I want to get out of it.
Where do I go from here? How best to get there? What new things can I learn? These are questions we should all ask ourselves, probably more often than we usually do. At least that certainly holds true for me. I’m the kind of person that sets up things and digs herself into a rut. Life tends to blast the walls of my rut.
I dropped my classes and am taking a semester off. Funnily enough my decision was based on a little quip that I read online. When deciding between two options, flip a coin. Not because of the coin, but because in that split second before it lands you are hoping for a certain outcome. That’s the one you pick.
It feels nice having one less thing to worry about.
Otherwise I’ve been working at my Resolutions this year. They are blissfully simple.
Bam. That’s how you do it.
While Andy is away, I’ve been paring down on absolutely everything. Goodwill has received multiple loads worth of donations and I have a bunch more on my porch waiting to go.
We’ve always had the habit of accepting items from people, especially furniture, and all of this has just accumulated. Plus we both believe in the power of “I might need that later… so let’s put it here just in case”. But all this really leads to is a house full of things that we don’t necessarily want or need. So I’m getting rid of lots of it before he gets back. Less stuff to move, organize, and keep clean.
Simplifying things.
It’s already made a huge difference in the way the house looks. Nobody needs as many end tables as we owned! Also I purged our entire VHS collection since my VCR/DVD player is having some weird electrical problems. The buttons are glitchy so that any button you press, it thinks you want it to PLAY! Using the remote, it acts as it should but for some reason it likes to ignore the VCR side. Mostly it was a pain in the neck and almost all of our tapes I’d gotten second hand, so I’d rather save the space and stress by donating them all.
I also got a bunch of document boxes and finally brought some much needed structure to my office. It houses all my various crafting projects as well as all the household paperwork and computer things, so the order is SUCH an improvement. I feel ready to start sewing some skirts already.
Cleaning and organizing is so invigorating, especially when you are having moments where it seems like everything else is going haywire. Organized house means an organized mind.
Next up? The car and the garage. Both of which… require extreme attention. Until then, however, I’m going to work on my second resolution by taking a nap and then playing legos with the kidlets.
I’m trying to decide whether I’m going to take these online classes this semester or not. The more I look over things, the more I’m not sure that I can handle everything. Playing a single mom to two kids for a year is really fucking trying on a person. Plus with all the changes we’ll be making in February, I’m not sure I’ll want to spend my free time typing up essays and fine-tuning my PHP skills. I mean, it would benefit me greatly and the three classes I would be taking are excellent distractions that would help towards my degree.
But I keep thinking about how bogged down I am already and I really don’t want to risk killing my GPA by taking on more than I can handle. I’m not sure what my brain can take these days.
Sometimes just getting through the day is difficult. All the constant repetition of tasks and then the endless chatter from two small children, charming as they are, is flaying my nerves and my sanity. It hasn’t even been a year yet.
Deployments blow.
Sometimes I’m not sure who it’s worse for, Andy off away from us or me stuck at home. Sure he’s in a more hostile work environment but I get to clean spaghetti sauce off the carpet every day and take care of the dog and the kids. And, you know. Some days I’d like someone to give me a hard hat and tell me to go do something task-like that I can accomplish that will STAY ACCOMPLISHED. Because that momentary YAY I GOT ALL THE DISHES CLEANED AND PUT AWAY! AND THE LAUNDRY!
DON’T FUCKING DROP A THING ON YOUR CLOTHES! WHY ARE THERE CRUMBS, I JUST VACUUMED? And then I go sit in the bathtub or knit crazily in the corner.
Domestic life is a nightmare. It really is.
At least, it is when you don’t ever get a break.
I’m turning into an insomniac since after their bedtime is the only time I get to myself and even then I usually spend it putting clothes in the wash. Tumblr is my refuge.
And all of my plans for this year regarding living arrangements? I keep throwing them into this mental box labelled SHIT TO DEAL WITH LATER. Mostly because I have no idea how any of this is supposed to work out but since I’m the one who has to magically solve these things I keep telling myself that everything can be handled really swiftly… later. Not now. Later.
The box is busting at the seams.
And I think the worst thing of all is that I keep trying to come up with ways to make things easier.
One notable option is to find a new home for our dog, Kayla. She’s a pitbull/lab mix and a loving family dog. Jas and Cody have grown up around her while Andy is absolutely enamored with her. Not being a dog person, I provide all the necessary care but our relationship is strictly business. I’m the alpha and source of life requirements, things are good as long as she doesn’t lick me.
But as she’s considered a ‘dangerous breed’ finding a rental house is kind of impossible.
All these big challenges stand in the way of family togetherness. And I feel like a bit like Don Quixote fighting windmills. Certainly everyone I tell my problems to looks at me that way. No one has any suggestions because it all looks rather impossible, but no way in hell am I staying up here once he comes back. We’re moving no matter what. Fiery credit score dragons be damned.
So many things to configure, so little brainpower. I feel like if I could get 36 hours of peace and quiet I would be able to derust the sword and make some headway but that just isn’t possible these days.
While I do have some family help, both people have their limitations. For one, handling both kids for more than three hours is too much and the other person feels the need to call every half hour to report on whatever the fuck is on his mind while he fills the children with ice cream and soda. So that after he’s given me a few hours to myself I get to attempt to wrangle sugar-drenched rugrats. Yay! I should have just locked myself in the bathroom and turned on Dora the Explora which is so damned glitchy on Netflix Instant that it is ridiculous and doesn’t work half the time anyway, why am I paying for this? For fucks sake.
Just dammit all.
Anyway, if you need me I’ll be wandering around the grocery store pushing one of those carts with a car attached to the front because it’s the easiest way I’ve found to amuse both kidlets in the winter. That is, after they wake up. Give or take two hours.
Erin’s advice for 2012: don’t have children, don’t buy a house, don’t own pets, don’t let thy spouse join the military, and for goodness sakes please pray for those of us that do.